I complained today, again, to my husband.
"It's not that I'm not happy with you and the kids, or even our life," I said to him just before dinner, "it's just that I feel so dissatisfied. I'm not doing what I want to do. I want to write. And I'm not."
We've had similar conversations over the last couple of months, ever since I took on a new volunteer role as president for a local arts council.
Part of me loves this new "job," but so far the time commitment has been tremendous. I hope it will become more manageable as I learn the ropes -- and I think that maybe it just might be starting to get better already, but the problem is that I had plans for this year. The plan was to really -- and I mean really -- focus on writing. I even toyed with the idea of going to university for a degree in creative writing.
Later this evening, I came across an old email I had printed off and tucked away from when I was teaching at court reporting school a few years back, and it was from a student to another instructor, who had passed it on to me. To summarize, I happened to say something to this struggling student, some flash of insight I had in conversation with her, and it made her realize she needed an attitude adjustment (her words). After this epiphany she had, she quickly reached her goal.
As I read this email from six years ago, it dawned on me that I needed an attitude adjustment myself.
Fact is, life throws curve balls, closes doors, open windows. I've always said, When opportunity knocks, answer the door. Opportunity knocked, and I opened the door. I accepted the challenge, but I am a little bitter about it, because it's not the challenge I wanted.
There are many positives so far with this new position, and I am enjoying the work; it gets me out of my dungeon of a basement to meet new and interesting people, and I can see it might be something I'm good at (at least I hope I will be good at it). Maybe I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
There is a sticky note on my fridge. It says: "Work Hard. Don't Give Up. Be Prepared to Sacrifice."
I'm going to leave this bitterness under the welcome mat, because frankly, it's irritating. I will just have to make time to write in the little spaces when I steal time for myself. Just keep swimming, as Dory said.
Hence this challenge...http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/. It will keep me swimming, get me back in the habit of writing that I had so tenuously developed over the last year.
So, hey, I guess I will see you at the "Z" (or as we say up here in Canada, "Zed.)